10:52 AM - Saturday, Dec. 18, 2004
Holiday Blues
One week until Christmas. I've made it pretty well so far, I must say. So far, I've managed to keep most of the holiday blues at bay. (Where is "at bay" anyway? Remind me never to go there.) I did have a bit of a pity party last night as I stayed up late, alone, wrapping present after present.
Without alcoholic accompaniement.
The Junior is dating nonstop now--just one girl in particular. So on weekend nights, he is at her house. The Sophomore has a social life to rival that of Paris Hilton (ICK! that's just the name that came to mind). (And, by the way, The Soph got dumped by his girlfriend last week. He was pretty heartbroken over it, but seems to be rebounding ok. Poor baby--his first time to be dumped!) So both boys are gone last night and I am watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban alone. The hub comes home from another 15 hour day and does sit and visit with me. We continue to watch the movie and he falls asleep on the couch. Can't fault him one bit--I know these long days are killer, but when in retail at Christmas. . . I roused him and sent him off to bed.
So there I sat, alone. My boys are growing up way too fast. . . I am just not ready for the empty nest thing!! In only two and a half short years, both my chickies will be out of high school. WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH. I have worked SO HARD to be a good mom. And I think I have done a fairly good job of that. Now what?? It's time to find other interests and activities to fill my time. Like what?? After all, I certainly don't want them NOT to fly the nest!! Horrors! But, oh dear, oh dear. . . what do we do with Mom??
The other part of my pity party is my selfish attitude about Christmas and birthdays. I absolutely LOVE presents. I love buying them for everyone. I love giving them. I love trying to come up with great gift ideas. I love everything about GIVING to others. But then there is me. And seldom do I get the gifts in return that make me ooh and aah. See what a selfish b---- I am? The last gift my husband gave me that surprised me and made my heart go pittty-pat was for our 15th anniversary--that's SEVEN years ago, people.
As always, he is too busy at Christmas to think of buying presents. He works up until the last minute on Cmas Eve, playing Santa to all his customers. One Cmas Eve he made his last delivery at 2AM!! Oh, I know. . . he is working "for us" and this is his big money making season. Often at the last minute he will race to the largest mall and sling some money around, and bring home something to put under the tree for me. But (again, selfish, selfish) I just want to feel like he's thinking of me. And I'm sad doing all the shopping alone, too. (What a whiner. At least I have people I love enough to give gifts to, right??)
So, yes, a little holiday blues party going on around here.
I will say one of my favorite things about Christmas is the cards and letters that arrive from friends and family. I LOVE the letters, extolling the virtues and success of each family member. And yes, I, too, write one of those letters. I include the bad news with the good--but when you look back, isn't it all good? We're still here. . . we're healthy. . . our family is intact. . . the struggles are but mere blips on the radar. (Ah, I feel Pollyana speaking up!) Back to the cards--it is so great to see pictures of children growing up, new babies, dear friends. I keep the pics up all year.
So. That's my sad story for the moment. I used to absolutely love everything about Christmas. I always gave parties. We drove around looking at lights. I baked cookies with the boys. I helped with their parties at school. I helped them shop. Now they can do that on their own--and prefer to do so. The parties we actually attend are generally related to a client or something. Any other party does not have a guarantee that the hub will find time to make it to the party.
I have done something out of the ordinary this year. I bought a BIG present for all of us. Including ME. Knowing it has been a rough year for the hub with his dad's illness and death, and the stress it put on him and the business, I thought we needed a nice break after Christmas. So, on my own without a word of permission from anyone, I bought us a trip to Cancun for a few days!! I have been a nervous wreck about it, never having spent money like this without discussing it with the hub! And please, please, please don't let anyone get sick so we can't go on the trip!!
I am really looking forward to the trip. We love beach vacations and it has been quite a while since we have had one. It will be so nice to be able to relax and do nothing for a few days. And it will be fun to hang out with the boys, too (over New Year's! Yes, there is always a method to my madness.)
So there is my present. Maybe not such a bad idea to take care of Christmas all by myself after all!!
